


Live Through This

by Anonymous



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Ahch-To, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Post-Canon, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Slow Burn, Survivor Guilt, The Force, Time Travel, Time Travel Fix-It, the sacred texts being actually useful, we're gonna address the Rey Palpatine thing don't you worry, whodda thunk it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-23
Updated: 2020-02-23
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:41:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22861216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: In the months following the Battle of Exegol, Rey grapples with her feelings towards the late Ben Solo.Returning to the Temple Island of Ahch-To, she resolves to find a way to change fate.Yet there is still much for Rey to learn about The Force, and the ghosts and shadows of the past aren't so easily ignored...
Relationships: Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 3
Kudos: 8
Collections: Anonymous, Anonymous Fics





	Live Through This

**Author's Note:**

> Here we go, baby's first Star Wars fanfic!  
> Like many people, I was disappointed by TROS. However, perhaps in spite of the awful ending we received, I became more invested in the Star Wars universe and stories.  
> And after thinking on it for many months, I decided to write this.  
> I'm not completely sure where this is headed yet, but thank you for coming along for the ride!
> 
> ~Will attempt to update at least bi-weekly~

_ 35 ABY, Exegol _

The moment would remain forever burnt into her memory.   
The clawing cold of the darkness, illuminated intermittently by lightning strikes.  
The warmth spreading through her, pulsing through her veins as life returned to her.  
A hand, firm yet tender, directing the Force through her. Willing it to return to her.  
Her eyes had fluttered open as she grasped that hand, pulling herself up to face the one that had brought her back from the void.   
That face soft with worry that she had seen so many times through the Force, through her dreams.  
_  
_ Ben.  
  
The smile grew across her face as she took him in, touching his face as if nothing in the galaxy were more precious, his name the only thought that echoed through her head. 

_ Ben _ _  
_ _ Ben _ _  
_ _ BEN _   
  
All logic, all reason, all thought fled her as she moved to capture his lips with hers. It was the only thing that made sense.    
The air seemed to hum around them, in tune with their very souls. The Light, the Dark, joined and intertwined in the space between. This is Balance. This is The Force.  
She drew back, smiling as she gazed upon him. A gentle grin as he huffed out a laugh, incredulous of what had happened yet thankful all the same. A genuine smile, the first he had given in many, many years.  
  
  
In that moment, Rey knew happiness.  


Her face fell as she saw him falter and fall to the ground. She clutched at his chest, holding him, gripping his shirt so tightly her knuckles went white.

And in that moment, Rey knew grief.

In that moment, Ben Solo vanished. 

The thrumming of the Force dimmed and hushed, the silence roared in her ears and through her mind. She looked upon the pile of clothing, all that remained of the man who brought her back, the one she had tried so desperately to bring back to the light, to save.

The Sith throne room shook as Rey screamed. 

  
  


_** 36 ABY, Ahch-To ** _   
  


The afternoon rays of the twin suns warmed her body as Rey rested the backs of her hands against her knees. The crashing of the waves against the cliffside, the distant avians calling in the sky...the sounds reached her ears, recognised in her mind before fading, becoming one with her hushed consciousness.  
The rocks, the grass, the rolling hills, the sea, the sky, the life forms scattered across the island, herself.   
  


Sense.

Sense the innate Force in the world around you.

  
Nothing, everything, all one with each other, one with her, one with the Force.  
She became aware of it all as her consciousness ebbed and expanded. She felt the Lanai nuns busying themselves down in the village, felt the porgs gathering twigs for their nests, felt the weight of the history of this ancient place.   
She felt it all, acknowledged it, turning it over in her mind like a stone in her palm. Acknowledged how easy it would be for her to exert her will over it all, to control it, to shape it. She feels the pull, the allure - and lets it go,let it loose to the stream of the Force around her. 

  
Sense. Control.

Control not the world, but yourself. Control your emotions, control your mind.  
  
  
Her consciousness swept about her, searching, coming to rest on the pebble in front of her. Smoothed by the waves and weather of Ahch-To over countless years, a simple stone yet as much a part of the Force as everything else around it. She settled upon it and, delicately, willed it off the ground. Without opening an eye, she could sense as it rattled before softly floating into the air. The world quietened around her as she measured her breathing. The only thing that mattered in this moment was this stone, gently turning in the air.   
  
  
Sense. Control. Alter.

Alter your perception. 

Sense, Control, Alter.   
  
Heji Tal.

One manner of Meditation of Emptiness. 

In the months following the Battle of Exegol, it had been one of the few ways Rey could control her mind and calm herself, to distance herself and to empty herself of distracting thoughts. Although she wouldn't say she was very good at meditation of emptiness, it was the only way she had found to manage her thoughts. The only way to forget, even briefly, all that had happened. To forget…   
  
Her brow furrows as the thought entered her head, unbidden. The stone in the air quivered as she attempted to swat the thought away like an insect, but it was all too late.   
The pebble clatters and split in twain as it hits the surface, its twin halves coming to rest at her Rey's knees. The sounds of the island rush back to her ears, no longer muffled by her meditative state. She heaves a sigh of frustration before opening her eyes as the blue glow materialises next to her.

“Heji Tal? Really?”

“If you’ve come to critique my form, Master Skywalker, then let me tell you I’m already well aware of-” 

“No,” the ghostly blue form of Luke Skywalker raises his hand to stop her, “Your meditation needs improvement, but I’m not here to lecture you on what you already know.”   
  


Rey’s shoulders relax. She had been unaware of how tense she had become. She slowly unfolds herself, stretching her legs out on her rocky platform. The very same place Luke had taught her about the Force. It felt like a lifetime ago. She runs a calloused hand over a half of the pebble, feeling the rough surface where it broke and the smooth polish of the rest of it, hoping in vain to find distraction from the current conversation, from the inevitable question.

“Why are you here, Rey?” 

“I needed space from the Resistance. Some time to myself.” It wasn’t a lie, exactly. She had needed some time away from her friends, time to come to terms with everything that had occurred.  She can feel his gaze on her, scrutinising, as she lets the answer linger. The Force bristles around her as Luke comes to sit next to her. Rey knows she can’t avoid his questioning. 

“You returned to Ahch-To to find something,” Luke says. It is not a question, but a statement, “Don’t envy your chances of finding anything. The Library is gone, and you took what’s left of the sacred texts,” a low chuckle punctuates his sentence, and Rey can feel her Master’s gaze boring into her ( _ took him long enough to figure out that she’d “borrowed” the texts _ , she muses) as she reaches for her pack, withdrawing a musty tome from within. She flicks through the pages idly.

“Well maybe if I’d had a Jedi Master who’d actually taught me properly...” she trails off as she casts the ghost a pointed glance, eliciting a scoff of mock indignation. 

“I told you before that I couldn’t teach you and if I recall, I never did agree to be your Master.”

Rey gives a short hum in response, continuing to thumb through the Jedi texts. It was somewhere in here, the page she was searching for. She had wanted to dog-ear the page but the metallic cries of horror from C-3PO had dissuaded her. Why the droid took such issue with it she couldn’t quite understand-

“You still haven’t given me an answer, Rey,” Luke says, walking back in front of her to grab her attention. She continues to ignore him, attention now focused on the book, but he doesn’t relent. “Rey, look at me. Rey. Rey!”  
His hands grasp either side of the tome and slam it shut on her lap. 

“What was that for?!” She glares at him with irritation. She had quite forgotten that Luke wasn’t entirely intangible. She moves to open the book once again.

“This is about Ben, isn’t it?”

Rey falters, her hands stiffening as she stills.

Ben...

“Eight months. Eight months and not a single sign of him,” she finally admits, “I’ve tried reaching out through the bond to find him, to find something, anything. Every day for eight months, I’ve reached out to find him! In all this time I haven’t felt his Force signature, haven’t seen a Force ghost, nothing! I’ve found NOTHING!”

Her voice becomes raised and she can feel her emotions rising like bile in her throat, threatening to spill over and consume her. Rage, fear, desperation, boiling and burning her from the inside. Ever since that day on Exegol, a darkness brewed inside her. Imagine if the Resistance, her friends - all the people who looked to her for hope - knew that this darkness festered within her, eating away at her soul and very being. What would they say if they knew...

Her train of thought is brought to a halt as a ghostly hand comes to rest on her shoulder. Whilst Rey and Luke had not always seen eye-to-eye, the gesture still gives her comfort. She draws in a deep breath and centres herself, her gaze cast out towards the roiling sea.

“You became one with the force. So did Leia. So did generations of Jedi and Sith before you,” her voice is small, not daring to speak louder lest her grief spill forth again, “How come I haven’t seen Ben yet? He vanished, there wasn’t a body. He’s gone!”

“No one’s ever really gone, Rey-”   
  
“Then why haven’t I felt him?” She’s leapt to her feet, voice barely below a shout once again, “I’ve felt when people die, when they become one with the Force. I didn’t feel anything when Ben vanished! How can he have just disappeared? How can he just be gone?”  
  
The question hangs heavy in the air between them, the Jedi Master shifting his gaze away, unable to answer but with silence.  Rey grits her teeth as she scoops the sacred Jedi texts back into her pack and slings it over her shoulder, trudging away from the binary suns now setting on the horizon, away from the ghost of Luke Skywalker. 

She would need to find a different location to meditate in the morning.

* * * * *

That night, she dreams.

She has had no sleep without dreams since losing him.  
Her dreams are always dark, illuminated with bursts of lightning. They run fear through her veins. They leave her waking in cold sweats, more exhausted than when she went to bed. 

In truth, they are more nightmares than dreams.

That night, as with most nights, she sees him.  
The decayed, phantom-like visage of the Emperor grins, yellow eyes piercing and staring into her very soul. Tears stream down her face, her sobs and the manic cackling of Darth Sidious the only sounds that echo through the colossal stone throne room.  
She clutches at the body of Ben Solo, lifeless in her arms.

He had come to help her.  
  
He had come to save her.  
  


_ You doomed him.   
  
_

The voice booms in her ears and her head.  
  


_ Ben Solo is dead.  
  
_ _ Ben Solo is dead and it’s your fault.  
  
_

She wills herself not to listen, raking her hands over her ears.   
  


_ He came to save you and you delivered him to his fate.  
_ _  
_ _ It is your fault _

_ You killed him.  
_ _  
_ _ You doomed him.  
  
  
_ She tries to scrunch her watering eyes closed, begging for the torment to end. Yet they remain open, paralysed, fixed upon the Sith Lord.  
The cackling fills the air once more.  
  


_ You truly are a Palpatine  
  
_

At her wit’s end, she throws her closed fist towards the horrifying visage.   
It comes to a stop mid air.  
  
Crack.

The black surface of the dark mirror fractures.   
The image of the Emperor splits and warps into a twisted reflection. 

She stares in hazel eyes beneath his hood.    
Her eyes.

* * * * *  
  


Rey practically jumps out of her bed from fright, sweat pouring from her brow as she looks about her hut frantically. She clutches her thin bed sheets to her as she calms herself, taking shaky breaths, curling in on herself for comfort.    
No Sith Lord greeted her in her hut, nor any limp, lifeless bodies. All that greeted Rey were her own shallow breaths. 

She was, once again, alone.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for the angst!  
> It will get better (at some point), I promise!
> 
> Lexicon note:  
> 'Heji Tal' is a form of Meditation of Emptiness which Luke taught. It's all about purging emotions to anchor oneself and open up to the Force.  
> It was commonly used by the Jedi Order.


End file.
